THE LIGHTER SIDE

The Logic of George Carlin

  • Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  • Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
  • If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
  • Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  • If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
  • How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
  • If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

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